The State Fair

For the first time in over ten years I went to the Minnesota State Fair. This might sound on the border of sacrilegious, but I have no great love for the fair. I don't like crowds, I'm not all that fond of things on a stick (although, I must admit I still like burning my fingers on the just-out-of-the-boiling-oil mini-sugar donuts), and there's really not a whole lot of new stuff that wasn't there when I was a kid. And the new stuff that was there was close to impossible to get close enough to see. It's that shoulder-to-shoulder crowd thing.

But this year I had a purpose. There's a mystery writers' contest where the plot has to take place at the State Fair. It's a getting to be one of those rare contests that doesn't have an entrance fee. They gave a list of ten clues in which the writer must use at least five. I couldn't resist. (For anyone interested, email me and I'll give you the details on where to find the website with all the info. Before I forget to mention it - you do have to be a Minnesota resident.)

The first couple of hours weren't too bad. I got there early (around 9:30 am) before it got too crowded and too hot. I picked up a map and a pronto-pup (not nearly as good as I remembered) and started trekking. By 11:00 I was ready to go home. I looked at the map and saw that I had covered about 1/3 of the fairgrounds. I had a lot of idea possibilities floating around in my head but I still wanted to figure out how a murderer could get from the midway to the petting zoo with the least amount of foot traffic. So as the temperatures rose to the high eighties and the mass of people seemed like a solid wall, I trudged on.

By 1:00 I just wanted out. Hot, claustrophobic, and ready to drop from the heat, I looked at the map and figured I had covered about 1/2 of the fairgrounds. I didn't care anymore about the rest. I was also about as far away from my bus stop as I could get. I could tell you about the journey back, but that would ruin my story entry. If I win you can read all about it. No, I didn't kill anyone for real, but it did enter my mind. In the meantime - enjoy the Great Minnesota Get Together.

Write it down

I woke up yesterday morning at about 2:45 after dreaming an incredibly exciting and life-like dream. I laid in bed thinking that that would make a great short story, or who knows, maybe even a mystery novel. I concentrated on the details so I wouldn't forget. Why didn't I get up and write them down? Hey, it was 2:45 in the morning - I was tired. Actually, I should have known better - I did know better and chose to ignore it. I used to do that and don't know why I broke out of the habit. Pure laziness on my part, I guess. Hell, I should've gotten up and headed straight for the computer. I was pretty wide awake by then anyway. Instead I just lay there. Finally, after memorizing all the details I went back to sleep and woke up around 6:30. I'd had a couple of dreams about my old job that only Freud (and maybe my ex-boss) might find interesting, but no big whoop for me. The first thing that I thought of was trying to remember that first dream. I remembered the basics - it was a reality TV show where groups of people were offered plots of land. (Maybe I dismissed the job dream too readily.) Somehow the intricacies that had made it so exciting and memorable faded with the new bout of sleep. Oh yeah, two groups had started to fight and there was a murder? A little more interesting but I still had a hard time trying to put it all together. At three a.m. I remembered who and why. I knew what they looked like and their personalities. As for when I got up - nothing.

By the time I finished brushing my teeth and taking a shower, it had faded to an incredibly lame idea. I wish I had written it down at 2:45. Who knows? The next Edgar winner might've just flitted through my brain (as semiconscious as it was, and maybe still is).

In the meantime I spent an unproductive day working on my present novel. Flashes of the dream turned into a distraction as I either tried to bury it or resurrect it. Neither one worked. After berating myself I got a pen and pad of paper, along with a small reading light, and placed it next to the alarm clock. When I went to bed I was ready. Instead, insomnia decided to make its return.

Conquering Writer's Block, pt. 2

I should write, but maybe I should take the dog for a walk first. I should write but Jeopardy is on in about ten minutes. I can rack up the excuses, but what it mostly boils down to is that I can't think of anything to say.

I've heard a couple of authors interviewed who said that they never get writer's block. Well, hurray for them. For the rest of us, here's a couple of things that work for me:

At the moment I'm working on two novels, a horror novel and a mystery. The plots are far enough apart and so different that when I hit a dead end on one, I can usually jump to the other. Also, because it's been some time since I've looked at the other one, I can see things with fresh eyes, and hopefully, fresh ideas.

If that doesn't work I'll try switching to short stories. No ideas for a short story? Over the years I've collected ideas. I've got a folder full of napkins and other scraps of paper where I've jotted down an idea, or even a snippet of conversation that I've overheard. From there I can usually "what if . . ." my way to a short story.

If that doesn't work I suggest taking the day off and relaxing your brain. For some it's a nice long leisurely walk, others, a good workout, and for a dangerous few - video games. (I've got a way too addictive personality to venture into that realm.) For TV junkies like myself, well, any Aaron Spelling rerun or entertainment gossip show should empty your brain just fine. Albeit best not to make a habit of it, or like o.d.'ing on video games, you'll wake up one day in the future strapped to a bed and finding a nurse wiping drool off of your chin.

Hey, gotta go. I think I just thought up an idea for a new short story.

Conquering Writer's Block

Everybody will be talking: A Pet Peeve

The following is a mindless rant:

I admit that there are a lot of things that are over my head, things I can't grab the concept of - quantum physics (hell, any math past basic geometry), why toilets flush backward below the equator, why Angelina and Brad got 14 million dollars for pictures of their newborns, the list goes on. There's the TV commercial where the kids break open the pinata and packets of vegetables fall out. I'm sorry, but that's just wrong. Then there are the television and movie trailers that say their story is beyond imagination. If so, then how did somebody think of it? And finally - everybody will be talking about it (or everyone is going to love it). Excuse me?

I'm a bit off center. For years people have been telling me that I'm weird. I've come to accept that. But I still consider myself a wee bit part of everybody. So when I see a commercial for a show that I've never seen, how can they tell me that everybody will be talking about it the next day? Or, it's the episode you've all been talking about. Huh? I've never mentioned it. How did I get excluded from everybody? It's beyond imagination! And I don't think that I'm the only one. I actually know of three people who don't own TV sets, and I'd bet that there may be more. (For those of you who don't know me - this is very tongue-in-cheek, okay? Get over it.) I'd also bet that they don't talk about TV shows that they'd never heard of. So my question is, who is this everybody?

And everyone will love it? C'mon. How can you have the audacity to say that every single person is going to love that show, or product, or whatever? There are people who don't love a good back rub, people who don't love puppies, even people who don't love freedom. So why on earth would you expect everyone is going to love your new oven cleaner. I got news for you. You said it has a lemony scent - I ain't gonna love it. Next time you use the phrase everyone will love it - I want to see your documentation proving it.

Okay, okay, I told myself that when I started blogging, I'd keep it focused on writing. So writers - next time you use that inane phrase - everyone will love it, or everyone will be talking about it, please explain who this elite everyone is, and why I'm so rarely a part of it. I really want to know. How else will I learn?

And speaking of writing, in a few months a book of my short stories will be coming out. Please buy a copy. Everyone will love it.

Hurry up . . . and wait

I just checked my records (I do that sometimes) and saw that I still haven't gotten a response from a short story I sent out in July, 2002. I even followed up with a query in November, 2002. Just for sh*ts and giggles I went to their website. It's still up, and it still says that they will respond within 90 days. Oh yeah - and it still says no simultaneous submissions.

As a person far wiser than I once told me, "Ignore that part. If two publishers want your story, that's the right kind of problem to have." I'm glad I heeded his advice. That story got rejected by a multitude of other publications in the meantime.

Many editors and publishers that I've come across lately have finally seen the light. It used to be that the vast majority of guidelines that I read said "No Simultaneous Submissions." How unfair is that? "If you don't hear from us in three months, you may send a query." If you dig deep, you might also find that they reject 99% of the submissions they receive. What a racket. If I followed their guidelines there are some stories that I would've had to junk because my futuristic vision is already obsolete (I think that says more about my futuristic visions, but I digress). Now it seems that the majority accept simultaneous submissions as long as you let them know. I can do that.

To assume that a writer should wait sometimes up to three months, or longer is absurd. As a writer I want to get my stories out there quick, while the ideas are still fresh and timely. If I see more than one publication where my story will fit, that story will be going to more than one place. I'm not advocating blanketing the market and keeping your fingers crossed. One, it's a big waste of time - yours and theirs. Two, editors do talk to each other. If your name comes up and they all received the same story at the same time, well, that's not the kind of reputation you're going to want. Do your homework. Read the magazine, or at the very least carefully read their guidelines.

In the meantime, I think that it's time that I put my foot down. I'm going to email that publication that's been holding that story for 6 years and withdraw it from their consideration.